Lovebug

We all know that we need to go through knocks in this life, it's a hell of a ride so of course we need to take them. The good outweighs the bad, but it's the bad stuff we remember and dwell on. I wish I could take a pill and reverse that but until the guys in white lab coats get cracking on that, I'll just have to live with it and get stronger like the rest of the known world, who knows, maybe after they're finished coming up with the cure for cancer and aids they can help my bleeding heart.
I can safely say I am not in love with my ex. I realize now how wrong he was for me, how little potential I had with my own life when I was with him, and that no matter what my idealistic nature told me...it was going nowhere, and fast.
The dagger to the heart, so to speak, is the things I miss. I just spent 2 days with some of the people I miss everyday I'm not with them. His family, why do they have to be so great. They found out I wasn't able to go home for Christmas and asked me to come spend it with them. Everyone said, "Well hey, won't that be awkward?" but the answer was OMG not at all! I love them, they really are like family. If HE was there it would've been awkward, because he has completely written me out of his life like I did something wrong when he is the one who crushed my heart to begin with. No tact, none at all. I wish he would've just changed but I don't think men really do change, they just find someone that will put up with them.
I think I was blessed and cursed with the ability to love someone with every part of me, right down to the molecules. It's amazing when you're in it, but it's also really scary...you know there is always the chance of losing in it and you put all your efforts into avoiding that at all costs. This is pretty detrimental to self-identity because it goes to the wayside when trying to please someone else whom you love. Then when that love is torn away from you so abruptly, it's really taxing to a) pick yourself up off the floor and stand on your own two feet, b) find who you are again because you seemed to have lost yourself somewhere in all the chaos of love, and c) learn to let go. C was the hardest, I don't love him anymore but he still has the power to break my heart. Small things, seeing pictures with his girlfriend that he brought back home for Christmas when last year he didn't even ask me to fly with him even though we were going to the same damn town in the middle of nowhere; also seeing more pictures out at the club when he refused to ever come have fun with me at the club or anywhere else to begin with. It just hurts to feel like you're not good enough for someone who didn't even deserve you to begin with. I don't think that will ever change, it's been 6 months and it still hurts. I know I deserve better and I'm finally ready to go there. Hallelujah.