Tuesday, August 15, 2017

The Great Hunt for Mitchell

On August 1st I was extremely excited.  I was a bit anxious getting everything in order to be on holidays for 2 weeks but I knew it was exactly what I needed after having what seemed like bad days that turned into bad weeks, months and now, years.  The culmination of which seemed to be very emphatic over the last 6 months.  All I knew was that my best friend had asked me to be in her wedding and I wanted nothing more for than that to happen.  I wanted to take the opportunity to relax in the comforts of my hometown surrounded by a wide net of supportive friends and family.  We are lake people, a lot of what we enjoy in life is related to the numerous lakes that surround my picturesque little town.  I really needed to be out in the boat on the lakes I know with the people I love reminiscing of times when things weren’t so tough and realizing that it will all soon pass and life will be positive and promising again and that it is worth fighting for.  Being surrounded by the forest and lakes growing up is probably what keeps me finding solace on the mountains, in the ocean and while exploring this amazing province.
Luna and myself up on St. Mark's Summit:
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Mitchell came into my life as a foster dog.  I had lost my chihuahua, Chilli, in January of this year and was completely shocked and devastated, as it was completely unexpected.  Chilli passed away under anaesthetic during his dental extractions.  I had also lost my lab, Lady, at 15 two years ago as well.  I found Lady with a chip bag stuck on her head.  It was very traumatic and I still see flashes of both Chilli and Lady on the days they died quite often.  I feel incredibly guilty for that day, for ever leaving the chips out in the first place, for not being there to save her and for having her die alone on the floor, struggling to get up and get the bag off of her head.  For Chilli, I regret not telling him I’d be right back to get him and for not seeing the signs that he should not have had surgery, signs only found in a necropsy.  I logically know these are not my fault but try telling that to my heart. 
My sweet, little Chilli boy:
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My dogs have always been there for me through thick and thin.  I’ve had a lot of concussions, 13 that I have been treated for and I often struggle with depression, anxiety, extreme mood swings, and thoughts of suicide to name a few of the symptoms of post-concussion syndrome that cumulatively affect me more and more with each blow.  You get excruciating headaches, insomnia, nausea, vertigo, and you seem to be hyper sensitive to all sensory input coming your way.  There isn’t much help out there for people who have had head injuries.  Most of the help is provided by private clinics that cost an extreme amount of money to attend and are out of reach for most people.  The financial issue is that most people haven’t been able to work because they are sick/injured and the recoveries are very lengthy the more concussions you receive.  The recovery is often longer than your eligible sick/injured days through employment insurance and you are often left with no money coming in whatsoever and end up going further and further into debt which cyclically worsens the depression and anxiety and feelings of worthlessness.  People generally don’t want to be around you and it’s hard to keep your friends.  Most people don’t understand but the dogs, they get it and they work to bring me down to a calm place whenever I need it and they also force me out of the house multiple times per day.  I nearly always end up enjoying my time outside with them and I truly love them as if they were my children and am grateful for their existence.  That’s why I couldn’t give up on Mitch.  When I bring an animal into my life, I mean it when I tell them that I’ll be there for them no matter what and that they are safe from anything they were ever running from.  We are absolutely a family and seeing that I’m far away from my own family and closest friends, they are that much more important to me and to my mental health and well-being.
The kids and I:
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After both Lady and Chilli passed away I was really on the brink of losing it.  I do have Luna, a wolfdog who was more so avoiding me in my grief.  I don’t blame her, as she is not a dog she is truly a wolfdog – always walking the line between the two.  She is an amazing protector, affectionate, and lively but she isn’t like a lab or a chihuahua and that’s fine with me.  She is who she is and I love her unconditionally.  I thought that after Chilli passed the best thing I could do for me and for someone else was to foster another dog through Dhana Metta Rescue Association.  I thought, why not help a dog that really needs it and that way I wouldn’t be “replacing” Chilli like he would ever even possibly be able to be replaced in the first place.  I have fostered lots of dogs and cats over the years in various different settings and Chilli was my only “foster fail”.  There was something about him.  I really thought this would be okay and that I wouldn’t get attached.  Heck, I fostered Holly and she was getting her teeth done the same day as Chilli.  Even after Chilli passed away I was able to give Holly to her new family because I knew that’s what was in the cards for her.  It was what was best for all parties.  I looked on Dhana Metta’s page to see if there was a dog I thought might be a good fit.  Mitchell was the only dog that drew me in.  It was strange, it was like I knew him when I looked at his eyes.  I didn’t tell Yuana when I contacted her who I thought might be a good fit. I just asked her to let me foster a dog who really needed some work and having known that Chilli passed away, she chose an affectionate sweetie who was extremely fearful and would need patience and consistency, Mitchell.  She asked if I could take both Mitchell and his best friend Natalie but I knew I could only handle one dog at this time.  It was decided that Mitchell would come and stay with me and before you knew it, I was picking him up. 
Mitchell on a hot Vancouver day lounging poolside:
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Yuana warned me on the first night that I probably shouldn’t take his leash or harness off as he would probably be hard to catch once he was let go inside my home.  She let me know all about how fearful he was of people and sounds and just about everything.  When we got home I took the harness and leash off because I wanted him to find a safe spot for the night without me imposing on him.  I would worry about catching him in the morning and I knew my place was fortified to protect Chilli so he was in a safe place.  On our very first night together, Mitchell hopped up on the couch with me and snuggled right up onto my lap.  I was so happy that he found his safe spot to be perched right on top of me.  We were fairly inseparable ever since.  Luna, Mitchell and I worked every day to help conquer his fears.  Every day we would do a little bit more and a little bit more and we were able to walk on busy streets, he was going up to people for treats and sometimes even a pat on the head.  His separation anxiety was improving with practice and our bond was growing stronger by the day. 
The group I meet with down at one of the local dog parks were all amazed at his progress in such a short period of time.  We are a group of dog owners who randomly formed a strong friendship and bond, with me being one of the latest additions.  They were instrumental in helping me through the loss of Chilli who was also a member of our group.  Any loss is heavy in our group.  No matter who the member is, furry or not so furry so they lost Chilli too.  One day Yuana got a hold of me telling me that someone was interested in adopting Mitchell.  My heart sank.  The group at the dog park had been teasing me alluding to the fact that I would be adopting Mitch but I was really in denial and still felt like I was disrespecting Chilli by adopting another dog, especially another dog that was like him.  When I “made the announcement” that I was adopting Mitchell and let the group know there were a lot of lovingly sarcastic comments like “Oh, wow! I’m so surprised” and I told you so’s.  It felt like the only thing to do.  This group consists of some of the most amazing people I’ve ever met in my entire life.  Such selflessness and supportiveness has never been so aptly displayed to me before.  I’m honoured to be part of this group and am grateful for having the pleasure of knowing them.
Most recently, life has been a bit rough.  There are people going through a lot more but for me, it all just felt very stacked up.  I was on a driving restriction after having had a loss of consciousness a few months ago and that prevented me from getting out into nature, which is really my therapy.  I couldn’t do my job properly without being able to drive and was stuck having to do a half-way job (which makes me queasy just typing) or doing things that really bored me and I felt like I was purposefully being isolated from my fellow co-workers.  It felt like they were trying to get me to quit because dealing with my medical issues, like a months-long driving restriction (this time) became arduous, when living with it is so much more difficult.  I know most of this is more than likely in my head but I’ve never felt more unwanted or useless in my life.  I kept looking toward my vacation and was really counting down the days.  The day I was to leave on my vacation, I finally found out I would be able to drive again.  At least work would return to normal and I could have some autonomy again.  Most importantly, I could go hiking and camping again after having missed out on the spring and summer. 
The day came and it was time to go back to Ontario and most importantly, to the wedding!  My plan was to go home to Northern Ontario for the majority of the time and then spend a few days in Toronto, as I’ve never been there before and then head back home to Vancouver.  I was so excited to see my friends and family and spend time outdoors.  I couldn’t wait to see all the stars and go swimming at my favorite lakes.  The wedding was the focal point.  Dawn, Kristina and I grew up in a triangle, Dawn across the street and Kristina and I next door to each other.  We were each born a month apart and have literally been friends my entire life.  Being in each other’s weddings was something we had thought about for a very long time and the fact that I have missed that crushes my soul.  These women are the sisters I never had biologically.  I’ve never felt like I have let someone down so much in my entire life.
Dawn and I in kindergarten:
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Dawn, Kristina and myself on my last visit home:
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I chose my friend who boards dogs and who I work with to watch Mitchell while I would be away.  Always keeping his best interests in mind and progressions through his fears, I thought how perfect, she is amazing with dogs and is very capable and he will probably come back knowing about 5 more tricks and become fluent in 3 languages.  I dropped him off at her place, she came and dropped me off at the airport and I boarded the plane and off I went.  When I landed in Toronto I texted her saying that I felt so weird without Mitch and how I kept feeling like I was forgetting him.  That’s the text she got and had to reply to that Mitchell had escaped and had been missing basically since I departed Vancouver. 
The plane was stuck on the tarmac for a really long time because there wasn’t an available gate for us to unload onto and then there ended up being a medical emergency which made the wait longer as the passengers needed to wait for the paramedics to arrive and help the man in distress before being allowed to deplane.  I had found out as soon as we were allowed to turn on our devices so being stuck in the plane with no way to do something productive in finding Mitchell caused me to have a panic attack.  The Westjet flight attendant helped me through my attack, ascertained what the problem was and when I told her I needed to go home she got the ball rolling.  She was the only person I had to speak to about what happened.  She ushered me to the kiosk where she spoke with another woman who walked me from arrivals to departures where she spoke with a man who asked for my boarding pass to Thunder Bay and handed me a ticket to Vancouver.  I was dumbfounded and speechless.  I just asked “pay?” to which he replied that it was on them and that the flight was leaving in about an hour.  I don’t really remember boarding as a lot of it is blurry but on the plane ride home I remember the flight attendant gave me a sandwich when I wasn’t able to pay with anything other than cash.  She just asked me to wait a second and came back with it.  That sandwich was the only real fuel I survived on for the first couple of days looking for Mitchell.  There was an Indian woman sitting in one of the seats next to me who knew limited English so I was helping her communicate, as best as I could, with the flight attendant and helping her with the air and lights above.  We tried to speak as much as we could and she knew something serious had happened and saw how uncomfortable and tired I was so she gestured for me to cuddle up on her and she rubbed my back as I tried to get some sleep.  I really needed to meet this woman on this specific day of my life.  I’m so grateful for her. 
When I arrived in Vancouver, my friend picked me up and dropped me off at home and I started searching.  I knew that a lot of the people from the animal shelter had already been out, as well as my friends from the dog park and Yuana from Dhana Metta and volunteers or people who just happened upon the search party who even brought search dogs down to the location.  I had called Wendy from the dog park crew from the plane right after I found out that Mitch was missing.  She headed out with Carol and they both helped out to the point of exhaustion, as did everyone else.  I arrived probably around 2 or 3AM when the search had just ended for the night and continued to search the area until I was falling asleep while driving so I decided to go home and get a few hours rest and get out again the next day.
This whole stretch from August 1st the 8th was a nightmare and a dream all rolled into one.  Yuana knew exactly what she was doing.  She really got the word out there that Mitch was missing and it was through her and the Dhana Metta Rescue Association that so many people who were originally strangers to me decided to spend their time, money, and efforts on helping find Mitchell and bringing him home.  People printed off hundreds of posters, they plastered them all over the area and printed more for us to put up wherever we thought he might have been.  People brought us food.  They made sure we had enough to drink.  People shared on social media that Mitchell was missing, Bif Naked, the VPD, Ann Luu and Darcy from CTV also shared the story, along with others, and also followed along for updates, thus sharing further than we ever could have ourselves.  It felt impossible even taking a moment to post on Facebook or Twitter etc.  Everything felt to me like it was a waste of time.  I could barely take a moment to have a drink of water. 
People were joining the search party.  They would come down to the industrial area south of Kent and become just as overwhelmed as the rest of us with the sheer size of just one of the lots down there, not to mention the fact he could be anywhere.  There were so many possible places for him to hide.  All we knew was where he was seen and where he was seen was where we searched.  I really didn’t have any money to get supplies or anything as I had spent everything on the trip home and have been trying to catch up after those bouts of being off from work with my head injuries.  Yuana pulled out all the stops.  We had an infrared monocular, regular monoculars, live traps (that I straight up peed all around), sheers and snips for the blackberry bushes that cut us all up all over our bodies, and food and water all because she knew to what to do and what to bring.  People dropped off supplies for searching as well.  My friend even offered the $2000 reward for Mitchell’s safe return as did she help out with the cost of the animal communicator.  I would name her if I knew she would want such a thing but I know she would rather not be named.  She also watched Luna when I wasn’t able to and that helped tremendously on the days she wasn’t able to be out searching with us. I’m so proud of Luna, she searched to exhaustion as well.  She didn’t want to stop looking.  She would get thorns in her feet and lift them up for me to pull them out and would pull to keep going toward where she smelled him.  I’ve never seen a dog do something so naturally before.  I love her so much and I’m so extraordinarily blessed to be in her life.
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We all searched to the point of exhaustion.  Personally, I was so tired that sometimes I would fall asleep while walking.  I would just break down and cry in the middle of an abandoned lot, lay back and just let it all loose.  The feeling of the tears streaming down my face will not be forgotten, it was like a valve was open and they freely streamed down my face without the effort of crying after a while.  The issue was hope itself.  I was so hopeful that we would find him that when he wasn’t in a trap or he wasn’t found at the end of the day/night I would feel so helpless and crushed.  Hope was also the only thing that kept me going, as it certainly wasn’t food, water or rest.  All I knew was that he was alive and I knew one day I would have to stop looking but I couldn’t imagine that day being any time soon. 
People did exactly what they could; they did ALL they could possibly do to help.  I wish I could name all of the people who helped.  I wish I could honour them in such a way but there were so many people involved that I would surely miss someone unintentionally and I would never want to do that.  I can’t believe the effort that went into this little stray chihuahua from San Bernardino.  The little dog that could!  My heart has never felt this full. 
August 8th came along and this was the hardest day of all the days.  I stayed out on the tracks until about 5 in the morning the night before and when I finally came home to sleep I found myself waking up in the morning in the same position I had laid down in.  I just didn’t know where to look.  I felt like for the first time, there was nothing I could do.  Whenever I felt like this, although it was previously not as strong, Wendy, Carol and Yuana were there to pick me up.  On this day, Carol got me going again and we decided I should search the my own neighbourhood since he could very well have made his way over.  The dog sitter does not live entirely far from my home.  I managed to get to the end of my street with Luna, posters in tow, when my phone rang.  Now my phone rang a lot over the course of the week.  People called from all over the lower mainland with tips or just letting me know they were praying for us or keeping a watchful eye on social media for my boy.  I had calls from Ontario and even Washington State!  So I was ready for a new tip when I heard these words: “Hi, I’m calling from Cambie Animal Hospital…” which led me to immediately worry and all I could say was “Is…….he alive?”  They said YES!!!  All I remember is that I said “Oh my God” about one thousand times and that they asked if I knew where they were located. When I mentioned that I was an Animal Control Officer and I was there quite often because this is the very vet that cares for the animals at the shelter they were just as excited.  I hung up the phone and didn’t know what to do other than keep saying “Oh my God” and telling strangers “They found my dog!!”.  I called Yuana and Carol and raced to the vet office.  I didn’t want to believe it until I saw him.  I logically knew that they would have scanned his microchip but have also seen very excited people come to the shelter in the past thinking the dog we had was theirs just to be let down once they saw it.  So logic was out the window and to me it wasn’t real until I saw him with my own eyes.  The red light on the way was not acknowledging the motorcycle on the sensor so a long line of us were waiting for at least 10 minutes until someone about 7 cars back ran up and hit the button.  It felt like a cruel joke!  I finally turned the corner, parked the car out front, RAN into the vet office where all I could say was “Mitchell????”, scurried over to his kennel and saw him and absolutely lost it.  I reached over and he tried to get away but once I had him in my arms and it clicked in that it was me, he lost it as well and we both just sat there crying and hugging and kissing each other until Yuana arrived and did the same!  He was so dirty and skinny and had cuts all over his legs and face but he was okay! 
At the vet, they let me know that a man had found him the night before when he had went out to his shoes in his shoe tree behind his house.  He said the shoes were disturbed so he went to pick them up but that they had moved again so he thought it was a rat.  When he looked again he saw it was Mitchell and by the grace of God, Mitchell allowed him to pick him up and bring him inside.  He brought Mitchy to the vet the very next day and the rest is history.  I’m so thankful to this man.  He was asked if he wanted the reward money that was offered and he replied that he was happy to have been able to reunite him with his family.  That was payment enough.  I have to say that I would have done the same.
So here we are, on page 4 in this Word document!  I started writing this (after already having lost the first draft) and the beginning of it all seemed to keep moving further back in time.  How I ended up with Mitchell.  How I ended up in this position in the first place.  I’m sorry for the long letter but I felt I needed to say it all.
Reunited and it feeeels so good!!!
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In closing, I would like to thank everyone who was involved with Mitchell returning home to me, you really saved two lives.  Thank you to the people who donated their time, money, and supplies; people who prayed or kept us in their thoughts; people who watched social media for Mitchy and updates; people who felt the need to do something and acted on it in any and every capacity.  Nothing you did was small or insignificant.  Everything mattered to me and I’m sure to Mitchell as well.  I love you all wholeheartedly and I have never felt more supported and loved in my life.  I am eternally grateful.

Yuana, Wendy, and Carol – you are my sisters and I can’t imagine having done any of this without you.  We went through extreme highs and lows together.  Thank you for the blood, sweat, and tears.  Thank you for your love and dedication.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

This Life

A life is a plight if you don't learn how to live.
A breath can be death if you don't ever breathe.
When you need, just grasp the world and reap.
When you want, take no prisoners in and take it all for yourself.
Win a ticket to hell.
At least you'll live your life,
all the while, taking breaths and avoiding plight.

The fire pit is the amalgamation of all your fears.
Keep that too in mind when you live through all your years.
Eternity could be encompassed with grandeur,
Your eyes should always see the line attached to the lure.
Know when to bite and when to engage in flight.

D-Dub with Love!


To one of my besties:

I love you like a cream puff.
A tasty treat, can't get enough.
You're yummy like marshmallow peeps,
but not the kind from Halloween,
You know the ones from Christmas time?
*The ones that make me sing and rhyme*

I love you more than licorice,
but red not black, it makes me sick!
The reds are like a candy heart,
they're small and cute, a piece of art.

Which brings me back to you my love,
you're meant for me like hand to glove!!

Monday, January 3, 2011

I just watched "Aileen: Life and Death of a Serial Killer"

Your eyes are dead.
Were you born that way or did the atrocities put forth against you slowly dim the life from your eyes over time?
Does it give you and excuse to kill?
Do I hate you or do I hate the idea of a person without a soul? I think, for the most part, it terrifies me. That look in your eye, that lack of expression, that eternal void I see when I look at you could terrify the strongest of men.
I don't know what to believe. I saw pictures of your father and your grandfather and they both had dead eyes. Your mother, who left you did not. I don't respect her but I certainly don't fear her. Maybe she's smart, maybe she left 3 psychopaths in the dust and never looked back.
I saw glimmers of something in your eyes but it was only when you talked about getting away with lying and about killing men. You say they weren't glory kills but that glimmer fills me with uneasiness and doubt.
You're dead now, none of this really matters. Did you deserve to die? I still can't answer such a thing. Is this because you were a woman? I would flip the switch for a deranged pedophiles' execution, I believe they are wired differently and will never "get better". They aren't like you though, with those dead eyes. Although the ones who kill small children after they do things to them only God can help them overcome in heaven, those guys; their eyes are just as dead as yours. I want to burn them at the stake. I just don't understand why I feel uneasy about your execution. Only God knows the truth and I doubt even He can forgive you, crazy or not. Maybe craziness was your test and you failed it miserably.
Dead eyes are a dead giveaway to run in the opposite direction.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Sam Quote of the Day...I'm a ponderer...ohhhhh yeah...a ponderer!


Humans do not need an improbable time machine

when they are given the gift of a dream every night.

They can visit a loved one they've lost, visit a futuristic land

or roam with the dinosaurs each time they slumber.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Thought I would never be one of "those" people.

LOL! Well well well, thought I would post this video --- kind of hilarious that my cousin and I were being those annoying people parading behind the commentators! Well, nonetheless it is amusing!http://www.nba.com/video/teams/raptors/2010/10/07/RWEB101006MATTJACKWRAP-1433294/

Friday, December 25, 2009

Lovebug

We all know that we need to go through knocks in this life, it's a hell of a ride so of course we need to take them. The good outweighs the bad, but it's the bad stuff we remember and dwell on. I wish I could take a pill and reverse that but until the guys in white lab coats get cracking on that, I'll just have to live with it and get stronger like the rest of the known world, who knows, maybe after they're finished coming up with the cure for cancer and aids they can help my bleeding heart.
I can safely say I am not in love with my ex. I realize now how wrong he was for me, how little potential I had with my own life when I was with him, and that no matter what my idealistic nature told me...it was going nowhere, and fast.
The dagger to the heart, so to speak, is the things I miss. I just spent 2 days with some of the people I miss everyday I'm not with them. His family, why do they have to be so great. They found out I wasn't able to go home for Christmas and asked me to come spend it with them. Everyone said, "Well hey, won't that be awkward?" but the answer was OMG not at all! I love them, they really are like family. If HE was there it would've been awkward, because he has completely written me out of his life like I did something wrong when he is the one who crushed my heart to begin with. No tact, none at all. I wish he would've just changed but I don't think men really do change, they just find someone that will put up with them.
I think I was blessed and cursed with the ability to love someone with every part of me, right down to the molecules. It's amazing when you're in it, but it's also really scary...you know there is always the chance of losing in it and you put all your efforts into avoiding that at all costs. This is pretty detrimental to self-identity because it goes to the wayside when trying to please someone else whom you love. Then when that love is torn away from you so abruptly, it's really taxing to a) pick yourself up off the floor and stand on your own two feet, b) find who you are again because you seemed to have lost yourself somewhere in all the chaos of love, and c) learn to let go. C was the hardest, I don't love him anymore but he still has the power to break my heart. Small things, seeing pictures with his girlfriend that he brought back home for Christmas when last year he didn't even ask me to fly with him even though we were going to the same damn town in the middle of nowhere; also seeing more pictures out at the club when he refused to ever come have fun with me at the club or anywhere else to begin with. It just hurts to feel like you're not good enough for someone who didn't even deserve you to begin with. I don't think that will ever change, it's been 6 months and it still hurts. I know I deserve better and I'm finally ready to go there. Hallelujah.